Black and White

My heart seems to be like a puzzle lately... Although there are parts of me that are wild with jagged edges, they have a place within the big picture. I learn more about myself each day, and I discover parts of me that were created so uniquely that I never knew existed... perhaps these depths of me hadn't been brought to the surface until now for a reason.

I describe myself as bold... sometimes confrontational, often loud, and never afraid to speak up for what I believe in. But these days, some of those characteristics have taken a backseat to a quiet tolerance... creating room for others to explore the freedom in finding themselves. Perhaps there are things about the world, about myself, about God that I haven't yet figured out or even stumbled upon... things that turn up like gold in places I didn't know existed.

I'm beginning to find my voice and my heart in relation to the feminist movement... determined to make the world a better and safer place for every woman on the planet. I get angry about oppression and I believe I am just as capable as the man next to me. I believe I am capable of speaking to the House or the Senate and writing and passing bills... I believe I am capable of creating an enterprise or an organization with fresh ideas and the guts to run with it... I believe I am capable of writing books and standing on stages and leading people... even men. In fact, I believe I was created to do those things. But I'm beginning to see the black and white contrast of life. Of course, I believe God created me with big plans in mind, and in my mind, those big plans looked a lot like the things I just listed. But as a woman, and a future wife, Jesus is revealing to me a new vision for my life... I am beginning to learn the vast responsibility and privilege Jesus entrusted me with. I am learning that Jared is the greatest gift I've been given on Earth, and it's my duty and my joy to be his helper... that my beauty is in contrast to his strength... that he will be the leader of our home, and that we will experience this life together... with him offering his insight and me offering mine. He is now my first priority, and it's my number one job to be his biggest fan and the wind in his sails; to respect him and honor him and to remind him that he's the man.

In all transparency, I'll admit there have been seasons in relationships where the idea of submission felt more like fear... I would think, "but I have a lot to offer..." and "Does this mean I have to walk away from my dreams to support his?" but let me tell you something I heard about a year ago...

Who you are and what God planned for you when He laid the foundation of the Earth has little to do with who you choose to be with. Don't misunderstand, He directs our steps and He leads us throughout this life... But I was created to go into the darkest parts of the world and set captives free through the truth of Jesus; to remind those girls that they were made for more; to breathe the life back into their bones. I know this is what Jesus had in mind when he made me, and it's okay that Jesus had something far different in mind when He created Jared. Just the same as Jared can't sit me down in his office and teach me all about engineering and pipelines and oil and gas and expect to turn me loose and watch me succeed, I can't take him to the middle of the Red Light District and expect him to get in there and be passionate about the issue... because we weren't created to be the exact same. We were created to complement each other and cheer for each other, to hope for the other to rise in all that we do, and to walk through the mountains and valleys side-by-side.

Maybe life isn't all that simple. Maybe we are all a little more complex than we think. I wonder what life would be like if we weren't afraid to test those limits; if we dared to contradict ourselves sometimes... to admit that we don't have all the answers; to say that girls can do all the same things as boys, and yet we can also be their beautiful, contrasting, counterpart.

Those puzzle pieces have their place in the big picture, and figuring out where they fit is part of the adventure. I'm ever-evolving and falling more in love with Jesus and wondering if perhaps He has more up his sleeve... maybe life is not all that black and white. Perhaps it's possible to be his number one cheerleader and still change the world. I know that it's possible, and I know that's what Jesus intended for us.

You were created for adventure. There will be seasons of chaos and heart break and confusion and you will need other people. You will feel pulled to certain things and your heart will break for causes that far exceed your reach and you'll wonder what you can do to make the world a little better. You can make the world better. Whether you're a mom, or an artist, or a congressman or woman, an attorney, a pastor, an engineer, a lobbyist, a hair stylist, a nurse, a football coach, a student, a teacher, a therapist, or all of those things at once... maybe life isn't black and white. Discover the wild pieces of your soul and be brave enough to explore them. Dare to push the limits... We need you around here. 

You're Safe Here

Donald Miller released his new book Scary Close: Dropping the Act and Finding True Intimacy yesterday, and I haven't been able to put it down since I left Barnes and Noble. He is vulnerable and honest and he invites his audience to get in the game of truly being known by others. He has this idea that if we can learn to stop performing for others, we might just connect with them. Perhaps we would discover the meaning of relationship when we begin to walk in transparency... and although this is a terrifying idea, I think it's also the window to freedom and abundance.

I was sitting in class yesterday, thinking about the book, and listening to my professor talk about justice and liberty for our people and as I began to write down a few thoughts my fingers got carried away...

There is no true freedom without you, Jesus. There are chains and hell-holes and hate and fear and captivity. Ashes surrounding us. But you trade your beauty for our ashes. You take away our filth and give us new identity. You are gentle, and you handle us with care because you created us in your own image and you knew that's exactly what we would need. But somehow, somewhere along the way we became self-righteous. We have become more concerned about what we are against than what and who we are for. Your simple instruction was to love you, and then to love our neighbors, but instead we tear people down because they are "sinful"... and we do it in your name. Which doesn't make sense, because it does not follow the example you set for us. When my identity read "sinner" you laid down your life for me. You found a way to exchange my scarlet sin for your purity. The stripes on your back, the spit in your face and the ridicule you endured were simply part of the sacrifice you made for me. But instead of taking up our own crosses, we crucify the people around us for the very things you already died and rose again for... for their beliefs, for their behavior, for their weaknesses, for the thorns in their side. 

You didn't do that. In fact your response to our thorns is grace... abundant grace that runs so much deeper than our sin. We have royally screwed the up the instruction to sharpen one another like iron sharpens iron... instead, we take our swords and try to cut out the ugly parts in our neighbors while forgetting about the log in our own eye. 

Sometimes there are quiet seasons between you and I... but there is one thing you taught me this summer that resounded like a bull horn -- "Woo out their new nature. Tell them what you see in them... and then tell them again. Because their old sinful self does not need to be ridiculed, or crucified, or corrected by you... I already took care of that part. It's finished. Whisper life into those dry bones, nurture them back to life." 

If we are honest with ourselves, we all have a thing or two that we don't like other people to know... we lead bible studies, and go to church, and spend our summers overseas. We study subjects that will prepare us to change the world, yet we keep our scarlet covered up and instead of connecting with people, we begin to perform. I do not believe this is the way life was intended. We don't begin to heal until we feel safe with those who surround us. There is a desperate need for healing around here, and somehow we all act as thought we have it all together. We cannot experience life in abundance if we choose to live life alone. Life was never intended to be lived alone.

There's a part in Scary Close where Don is talking about struggling with a specific relationship and feeling like a failure... He has broken her heart, and it was time to end the relationship... but he's too scared to do it. He begins to wonder if he will ever find the right girl, and if he does, will he be able to keep her around... he talks about the bottle of whisky hidden behind his bible, and he suggests that he's become stagnant in his career but also with others. His friend Bob calls him every single week to check in on him, and every single week Bob tells him, "Ya know, Don... You're good at relationships." Bob gives Don examples every now and then, but the message Bob is presenting is clear: No matter what Don has done, he is still good at relationships. Bob didn't tell him that he needed to get his act together, or to stop drinking whiskey, or to pull himself out of the pit... he simply whispered life into dry bones, and eventually those words began to resonate in Don's soul. He started to believe the truth about himself, and the rest of those things fell in order. 

Perhaps you're struggling right now, and you're afraid to open yourself up and tell others about your mess because you feel the shame... let me tell you something: You are good at relationships. Your depression does not define you. You were created for a specific part of this story that God designed and it would not be complete without you. I promise there is grace that abounds, and you're not too far from it. Be courageous. Open your heart and invite someone in, and just maybe you'll get a taste of what you were intended for. 

If you know someone who is struggling, chances are they need to exchange their ashes for beauty, and perhaps your role is to remind them who are without judgement or an agenda. Chances are, they don't need to be reminded that they're lost... they need to be reminded where they're headed. Maybe its countercultural, and I'd even go as far to say that it's backwards from the way the church does it... but it's absolutely the way Jesus does it. His kindness is what brings us to our knees. 

I dare you to step back and think about your role in the lives of the people around you. Start sharpening others by woo-ing out their new nature. Tell them what you see in them. By doing so, you disarm them and create a safe place for healing to happen. After all, Jesus came for the sick.