Oceans

About nine months ago I was trying to decide what I was going to do this summer... It's my last summer as a student. Which means about this time next year, God willing, I'll have a real job. I had two dreams, and two opportunities. My first dream was to go to China and work with the underground church in order to reach people for Jesus, specifically women and even more specifically prostitutes. It seemed daring, and maybe a little bit frightening and maybe a lot a bit stretching... but there was a local organization that had ties with another organization in China and it seemed like an awesome opportunity to get my hands wet with long term missions. When I say long term, I mean longer term... about 3 months.

My second dream was to be the recruitment chair for my sorority. From the world's perspective, these two look like polar opposite ends of the spectrum; one path representing a grungy missionary lifestyle and the other representing a surface level diva lifestyle. However, the two aren't so different. I'd still be getting to work with women... just not with the underground church. I'd live in Norman and work with 5 other girls in order to make each of the 1,200 incoming girls feel like they're the most important person on the planet.

I pursued the latter of the two. I knew it would be the best summer yet, spending my free time in Norman with my friends. However, it hasn't been all rainbows and sparkles... Don't get me wrong, I love being the recruitment chair, and I love getting to plan the best week of the year. I don't think there is anything better in college than recruitment. In an attempt to be vulnerable and transparent, bare with my honesty.

Sometimes God brings us to a hard place in order to get our attention. My hard place is being alone. I don't like to be alone because I'm an extrovert and my energy source is other people. More often than not, I get sad when I'm alone. Most of my friends and roommates have boyfriends, so when I'm in Norman I see a lot of quiet nights. It's easy to believe that I'm spending the evening all alone, but that opens the door to the enemy to tell me that I'm lonely. The truth is, God promised me that He would never leave me... so when I feel lonely, it's just a lie. If Satan can get me to feel sorry for myself, he knows I won't plug into God and he wins the battle. But I know the truth, and that truth sets me free.

When I spend all my time with people, I don't take time to slow down and be quiet. I think this is my biggest flaw. In order for Jesus to get my attention, he has to get me to slow down. He has to get everyone else out of my line of vision, or I won't take a minute to be still.

The thing is, we all have distractions... Sometimes distractions aren't bad... but God still desires our attention. Just as you and I long for the attention of the ones we love the most, God longs for our undivided attention. He wants to be known by us. He put that same desire in our hearts for a purpose. If we find ourselves in a lonely place, we have to rewire our souls. We were created for relationship. A certain type of relationship. A captivating relationship that lights a fire and spurs us on. A relationship where we know the promises of God... the promise that He has great and mysterious things in store for us. We have to get to a point in our relationship with Jesus that we are willing to follow his voice while wearing a blindfold... to develop a security in walking by faith and not by sight.

There's this song called Oceans by Hillsong United... listen to it. It's what I want my life to echo... but there's this part that brings me to life -

"Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders. Let me walk upon the waters wherever you would call me. Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander and my faith would be made stronger in the presence of my savior..."

It's daring. It's challenging. It's hard. But love trusts without borders. It follows without knowing the outcome. It chooses to be engaged in life. Love does hard things.

If you find yourself in a place where you can relate to me... regardless of what it is that you struggle with, drop your guard. God wants in. You're not alone, and you haven't been alone a single day of your life. He's ready to speak, its you that has to be willing to listen.

 

Alive

Lately I've been uninspired. I've tried to write, and I keep coming up short. I'll write three or four paragraphs and erase it because the words don't seem right. The thing about this blog is that I write when I feel Jesus impress something on my heart. If I feel uninspired, it's because I haven't been listening. It's because I'm disconnected somewhere.

I hate being busy, but I find myself in the busiest season of my life right now. If I'm not working, or calling people and setting up meetings for Recruitment, I'm doing homework or driving back and forth to Tulsa. I'm living in black and white, instead of vibrant colors. This isn't the first or only time I'll ever feel like this... the truth is, life cycles in seasons. If I feel distant from Jesus, it's because I moved, not him... He speaks to me through others a lot, and it's been so good to hear from him again today.

I was reminded what it was that brought the colors back in my life. I was reminded what it feels like to dream. What it means to have bold, logically impossible dreams. Dreams that require supernatural intervention. Dreams to travel to the uttermost ends of the earth in order to seek the lost. Dreams to laugh with women about silly things. Dreams to write meaningful words. Dreams to risk my life in order to save someone else's.

When I went to Cambodia, I felt in my soul that I was most alive in that place. I was functioning in my element. I knew I belonged among those women. I don't necessary think Cambodia is the country for me, but in that hell hole in the middle of the Red Light district... In that place those girls called home. There was a fire inside of me that couldn't be touched. I knew that I had a choice to listen to logic and step away from the danger, or to "rush headlong into the most hazardous and impossible battles without pausing to consider the impossibilities." If I went with option A, I might have lived a happy and comfortable life; however, I knew that if I chose the latter it might change the world. The way David went to battle against Goliath with a sling shot and few stones... He wasn't afraid. He knew what was on the line. If he shrank back, he would live in captivity along with the rest of his people. If he went into battle without pausing to consider the impossibilities, the impossible might just happen. He killed Goliath with one stone. He obeyed.

I've been reading this book called The Circle Maker and it's about circling our prayers again and again until they come to pass. There's this one part that I can't get over. The author is talking about the type of faith Martha had when she was talking to Jesus about her brother Lazarus who had been dead for four days. She says, "If you would have been here, he wouldn't have died; but even now I know that God will give you whatever you ask." She wasn't afraid to be bold. The author points out two types of faith in her sentence. The first is the kind of faith where we know what God is capable of. She says, "He wouldn't have died if you would have been here..." She knows of Jesus' power, and she believes by faith that his presence would have healed Lazarus. The second form of faith comes with the second part of the sentence. The word "but" lets the reader know that there's a change in message... a second thought. She says, "but even now, I know that God will give you whatever you ask." He had been dead for four days, but Martha still believed that God could reverse the irreversible. She had the kind of faith that believed the past could be redeemed. She believed that it wasn't over simply because it looked that way... She believed God could bring the dead back to life, even when she felt like He was four days late.

Man, what does it take to have that kind of faith? I immediately think of the women and babies trapped in sex slavery around the globe, and I think about their hearts. I think about the lies they've been told. They believe they're worthless. They believe they're comparable to a dirty tissue, ready to be thrown out at any time. They don't know what it means to dream. They don't know there is life outside of selling their bodies. They don't know what it means to be loved by a man. They've been terribly deceived, and I have the truth! I have exactly what they need to know inside of me... I know that God is so good, and He is so big and has such extraordinary plans for each one of them. I believe that He can redeem their pasts. I believe He can undo the damage that has been done in their lives. I refuse to believe that this is the end of their stories. The best stories have a hero, the best stories are stories of redemption.

They bring me to life. They are the calling Jesus put on my life years and years ago.

I have to believe that there is something that makes you come alive. Maybe it's not prostitutes and women's ministry. Maybe it's not ministry at all. But I know there is something that pulls at your heart, something that lights a fire inside of you. If you don't know what it is, start praying circles around it. Be specific. God will reveal it to you, if you ask him. Learn to dream. Choose to rush headlong into the most hazardous and impossible circumstances without pausing to consider the impossibilities.

I promise, it's worth it.

You Know Me

This song shakes me. I've been listening to it on repeat for about 5 days, and I can't get past it. There's something about music... It tells a story but doesn't require a conclusion. It can be played again and again and still stir something inside of us. It invites us to join in on the story and make it our own. This song has become my story this week.

"Nothing is hidden from your sight. Wherever I go, you find me. You know every detail of my life. You are God and you don't miss a thing."

I think we've all experienced dry seasons of our lives. In those seasons, it's easy to feel unimportant. Maybe there has been distance in your relationship with your dad, or maybe you're taking 18 hours of school and working and you feel lonely because you're so busy. Or maybe the person you love the most walked out of your life without warning....

"You know when I rise, and when I fall. You know when I come or go. You see it all. You hung the stars, and you move the sea... and still You know me."

These words ignite my soul. It's as if Jesus is speaking them right to me. Those feelings of sorrow and seasons of drought are lies from hell. He remains the same and he says that he never leaves us nor forsakes us. Everything is laid bare before his eyes. He is so immense that he created the mountains and the sea, and so particular that he put the right number of muscles in the head of a caterpillar.

And still he knows you. He doesn't miss a thing.

Maybe you just walked across the stage at your graduation, or you just got home from a foreign country and you have one week before you leave again, and you're tired and you need to be refueled. Or maybe you just walked down the aisle to the love of your life and your mom wasn't there because she's in heaven with Jesus... Even when you feel like you're missing the most important person or people in your life, still God is there and he doesn't miss a single thing.

We have to choose to take God at his word. He says that he directs our steps. He hasn't forgotten you. He knows your pain. He knows that you feel lonely. He knows that you're scarred from that dysfunctional relationship. He knows that you feel unworthy. But He cares so much about you that He knows when you rise and when you fall. He pays attention to the details. He planned your steps long ago to do the things that he cut out for you to do, to go the places that he wants you to go... to reach the people he wants you to reach. You can't run from him. Wherever you go, he will find you because he desires you.... even in your ugliest state. He won't leave you that way. He took all those feelings of despair and hung on the cross so that you could walk in freedom. He is the greatest pursuer the world has ever known. He won't stop until he has your heart.

You are so very important.

Be

It's been a couple months since I've written. Maybe because I've been figuring things out in my own life, or maybe because I'm conflicted on what I'm supposed to write, or maybe it's a little of both. I write because I'm a visual learner, and when I feel God speaking something to me it's easier for me to learn it when I can read it. Plus, it's made public for all of you to learn too.

What I've been feeling lately is that we all carry a lot of pressure. We live our lives with the intention to impress. We want to do the right thing, say the right thing, be the right thing that the right person is looking for. We do our best to live our lives inside the lines.

For those of us who were raised in Christian homes, we feel the pressure of setting the example. We are told from a very young age that the world is watching us, and we may be the only Jesus anyone ever sees.... so don't mess up. That's basically the message. "Don't mess up, people are watching." When you do mess up, you're a hypocrite...

For those of us who weren't raised in the church, we feel like there is no hope for us. That we've made all these mistakes, and there is no way "their" God would want to use someone like me to make any sort of difference. Or maybe we feel like we can eventually get in good standing with God, but we feel like we have to jump through fiery hoops before we are considered good enough. We have to be this, or be that, or do this, or do that. We have to go to this small group, and raise our hands during worship and give our Saturdays to cleaning up downtown. We have to laugh at the right jokes, and not laugh at the wrong ones. We have to date the right people and go here or there.

I feel like we're missing it.

You don't have to be a straight A student, or the team captain. You don't have to be the small group leader or marathon runner or the president. You don't have to be any certain thing.

We get all wrapped up in being an example and being perfect, that when we mess up we mask it. We don't want anyone to know our secrets, because we would disappoint them and we might ruin God's plan because he couldn't possible use us once we mess up.

We remove ourselves from people and set ourselves so high up that no one can reach us. We aren't relatable. Don't misunderstand me, I do not believe that we have to experience all the same things, and sin all the same ways for other people to relate to us. That would lead to chaos in my life. I'm called to women's ministry to love prostitutes, but I'm not going to become a prostitute just so they can relate to me, that's not my message. The message is, quit wearing a mask. Quit setting yourself so high up.

It's okay to have your heart broken, chances are hers is broken to. It's okay to admit that you struggle with that thing that you struggle with. It's okay so be sad about your mom.

In 2 Corinthians 12, Paul pleads to God to take away the thing that he struggles with and three times God says, "My grace is sufficient for you. My power is made perfect in your weakness." He goes on to say that he can boast in his weaknesses and says, "for when I am weak, then I am strong."

He gets it. He understands that He has struggles and hardships for a reason. Its like when there's a crack in a surface, and the sun shines through those cracks. We don't set an example because of how great we are in our strength. We set an example by being real. By admitting that we struggle just as much as the next person. By embracing that we are human, and allowing God to shine through that. You don't have to be raised in the church. You don't have to be in any certain position. You don't have to fill any criteria. There's a reason God chose broken people all throughout the bible. He wants to be made famous through us. He doesn't shine through out masks. He shines through the cracks in our lives.

Release the load of pressure you're carrying simply because it's too heavy for you to carry. Live your life. God says that he directs our steps when we ask him to. Ask him to. Where ever your heart is, go there. Be alive. Allow yourself to grieve. When you mess up, ask for forgiveness. Be human. Let God lead you. He died on the cross so that you wouldn't have to. The price has already been paid.

Accept the grace you've been given, and just be. When you let God shine through your weakness, he is made famous. Drop your mask, and make Him famous.

Logic

We're logical beings. It's the way God created us. He gave you a brain, and you are expected to use it. We can't function without our brains... every part of our bodies takes orders from it. However, I often wonder if we become obsessed with logic. If we can't wrap our minds around an idea, then it simply cannot be true... If we don't see it with our own eyes, then we can't really believe that it happened...

I think God knew that we needed to be saved from our own understanding, because my life would be so incredibly boring if I depended only on the things that my human brain could comprehend. In our society, much emphasis is put on what we know. We go to school so we can get an education... so we can be taught... so we can obtain knowledge. The more knowledge we have, the better job we can get. With the better job comes more money... more money brings more power, and the list goes on. We are so obsessed with logic and knowledge and understanding. Don't get me wrong, knowledge and education are important things to have, but I don't believe God intended for us to have all the answers.

When I look back on the times that I've seen God at work in my life or in the lives of the people around me, I notice that it's never logic that brings heaven to earth, rather it's faith...

When I went to Cambodia, my team and I went out to the Red Light District and bought women out of the industry for the night. When I told people that's what we were going to be doing over there, a few people said, "won't you just be adding fuel to the fire?" Meaning, I'm feeding the industry by paying for the women. Logically, that sounds correct. So I asked God what he thought about it, and he told me, "Kirby, if you don't buy them, someone else will. Either they see me tonight, or they see satan."

Most people don't think its very wise for a little American girl like me to spend my life in the Red Light Districts around the globe... or in the strip clubs, or with the prostitutes... logically, they're probably right.

But if we had stuck with logic instead of acting in faith, we wouldn't have seen nearly one hundred girls experience the love of Jesus that night. We wouldn't have seen our sweet friend be delivered from the sex industry or fund her dream of going to school.

I think it's natural for our human brains to go directly to what "could" happen. We like to think we should weigh all of our options before we make a move... we try to think things out, so we can attack the problem in the most logical and efficient way.

I can't help but believe that this is the wrong way to do it.

We might never fully understand why God calls us to do certain things, or take certain jobs or move to certain cites or even countries... we might never fully comprehend what God has up his sleeve. He doesn't ask us to understand. He asks us to walk by faith, and not by sight. He asks us to listen to him and obey him. In my bible study about James, I read this section written by Beth Moore. She is saying this is what James might have been thinking when he finds out that Peter has been set free from his imprisonment after Jesus assends into heaven...

"Jesus said not to fear those who can only kill the body. Think past the pain. We may be captured, but we may be rescued. We may see horrors, but we may see wonders. We may lose our heads, but we cannot lose our souls. The stakes are up. The fire is lit. It's time to live like those who cannot die."

We may see horrors, but we may see wonders... this is the life of a Christ follower. I dare you to lay down your logic. I promise that your life will explode into magnificent color and excitement if you choose the path of faith rather than logic. It will be a challenge, and it will be process... but when we walk by faith, we obey. And when we obey, God wins.

Kid President

I was catching up with a friend today, and he asked me about my blog. He said he had noticed that I hadn't written in a while, and he was curious as to why that was. He asked me why I started blogging to begin with and my wheels started turning. These questions challenged me. Why did I start writing? I told him that I was in a dark place about 6 years ago, and when the truth set me free I was determined to share my story with as many people as I could in hopes that someone else would find hope through it. This blog started out as an attempt to publish my thoughts and dreams, but even more than that it was an attempt to reach somebody with the truth.

I started writing my story because I believe that we all have a story, and I believe that our stories matter. The truth is if your heart is beating, you're alive. But are you really alive? Are you creating anything to make this world more awesome? Do you believe that you have been chosen for this very time, and that Jesus has created a master plan, a crash course, for your heart to collide with his and for you to fall madly in love with him. He's been pursuing you all this time. My story is your story. We are just alike. Although it might look slightly different - different characters, different lessons - we have the same resolution. When I allowed God to take my story and line it up with his master plan, I discovered my purpose. It was as if my whole life was set ablaze, and I couldn't ignore it. I began to believe that I had a specific calling on my life...

My favorite part of the "pep talk" is when he says, "and if life really is a game, aren't we on the same team? I'm on your team, be on my team. C'mon, people. This is life. You got air breathing through your nose." You have air breathing through your nose. You may be facing huge mountains of adversity, but you're alive. You have everything you need for life and godliness to push the enemy forces back. You have power, you have joy, you have strength,  you have guts, you have purpose, you have reason.

I believe that every one of us faces challenges and trials of many kinds... We are up against an enemy who has plans to devour us. He's smart, people. He knows our weaknesses, and he's not afraid to go after us. He's the reason we live with sickness, abuse, poverty, rage, lust, disease, bitterness... but those things don't have the final word. That is not where the story ends.

I don't have any idea which mountain you're facing right now, but I do know that if you'll let Jesus take your story and line it up with his plans, you will be made a new creation. You will discover that you have been called and chosen for a specific purpose. Our stories are just alike - we are all called to bring Jesus to people, however, the way that we do that will look very different.

 I'm a college girl with big dreams of impacting the world. I have a soft heart, but a strong will. I'm not afraid to go into the unknown, because I was born to do it. I know these things because I found them in Jesus.

You are here. You are alive. You were created for a very important reason. You have your own finger prints, your own face. Your life looks different from mine and everyone else's. You might be a doctor, a psychiatrist, a nurse, a judge, an engineer, a teacher, a lawyer. You might be an artist, a busdriver, a CEO, a mom. You might be a back-packer, a saleswoman, a missionary. You were created with a purpose. Your purpose is to bring Jesus to the people you see on a daily basis. Take a risk. Step out in faith. Do something weird. Dream so big that it scares you. You were not created to live a mediocre life... so what will be your spacejam? What will you do to make this world a little more awesome?

Handkerchiefs and Aprons

Last week I was thinking and praying about what I wanted to share with the new baby thetas at our first week of Freshman Biblestudy, and the Lord brought me to Acts 17 verses 24 through 28. It says this,

"The God who made the world and everything in it is the Lord of heaven and earth and does not live in temples built by human hands. And he is not served by human hands, as if he needed anything. Rather, he himself gives everyone life and breath and everything else. From one man he made all nations, that they should inhabit the whole earth; and he marked out their appointed times in history and the bounderies of their lands... for in him we live and move and have our being."

With a new semester and hundreds of new students, I think this is our wake up call. We serve a God who is so powerful and brilliant that he created the whole world and every single thing in it... He created each one of us to inhabit the earth at this very time. It isn't by chance that I'm here in 2012 at OU, or that you are sitting at that new law firm or recruiting nurses for a hospital or bringing hope to families every day while they sit alongside their dying loved ones... He is so mighty that he doesn't need any of us. However, he created all these things so that we might search for him, and reach out for him... He is so fond of us. If that doesn't pump you up to wake up in the morning and walk in all that the Lord has for you, maybe this will...

Move on to chapter 19 of Acts. Now, Paul is talking to the people of Ephesus. Verse 11 is where it starts getting wild...

"God did extraordinary miracles through Paul, so that even handkerchiefs and aprons that had touched him were taken to the sick, and their illnesses were cured and the evil spirits left them."

....what???? This is like Jesus status people... Paul was obviously not Jesus. He was fully man. He was sinful like any one of us, but he was determined to fulfill his calling, and he desired to walk in all that the Lord had for him. The Holy Spirit was so heavy upon him that he literally sneezed, and anyone who touched that hanky was healed....

I've been thinking about this all week, and I just can't let it go. I don't want to let it go. Do you understand the weight of this story? Paul was mere man, just like you and me. He wasn't special in any way. He was called and chosen by God... just like you and me. He responded to God, and millions of people have been impacted because he said "yes".

Man, my hearts desire is for the Holy Spirit to be so heavy upon my life that who ever I come in contact with will be healed and set free instantly. Isn't that what we are here to do? To be the hands and feet of Jesus? I guess he wasn't kidding when he said, "whoever believes in me will do the same and even greater things than I am doing" (John 14:12)

Please, I am begging you to say "yes". I know beyond the shadow of a doubt that we have that same power that Jesus and Paul had at our fingertips. If we would be bold enough to tap into it, to even ask the Lord to set his spirit ablaze inside of us... we would have no other choice than to watch this city or nation or even world turned upside down.

This has to drive you to do something. You were not placed on this earth, and appointed this time frame in history to simply live and die. You were created to come alive and light this world on fire for Jesus.

Please, please say yes.