Seeds of Cape Town

Give ear, and hear my voice; give attention, and hear my speech.
Does he who plows for sowing plow continuously? Does he continually open and harrow his ground?
When he has leveled its surface, does he not scatter dill, sow cumin, and put in wheat in rows and barley in its proper place, and emmer as the border?
For he is rightly instructed; his God teaches him."
- Isaiah 28:23-26

I am so grateful for this promise as we walk out of Cape Town and return to our lives here in the United States. For months we tilled up the ground of Cape Town through prayer, we called out to friends and family and they too tilled up the ground on our behalf. We consistently cried out to Jesus to soften their hearts, and prepare them for the Holy Spirit to come in and move in power... and then in His timing, He taught us which seeds to plant and where to plant them. For each person, it looked different; in the natural, some seeds looked successful, and others not so much.  But the truth is each seed fell where it was supposed to... doing exactly what it was intended to do.

For the mom sitting outside the coffee shop with her two toddler sons and a new baby wrapped around her, reading them illustrated books, appearing to be on her last attempt to hold herself together... the seed was buying her a bundle of flowers and telling her how good of a mom she was. With tears in her eyes, she expressed "oh thank you.... it has been a day."

For Terry, the wealthy elderly woman who hated religion and was angry at God, it was fighting for her in that moment and not backing down from her cold and uninterested exterior. Months of prayer tilled up her soil, and fifteen minutes of investment planted seeds of truth about how good You are and how You are present in all things. How Your heart breaks when bad things happen, but You never leaves us nor forsakes us. You are still there, in that place of darkness. Your response to hurt and pain is hope and love and restoration. Because pain and suffering NEVER get the final word. As our girls stood in the gap and poured out Your love over her, years of built up anger, agreement with lies from hell, and generational curses broke off and fell to the ground. Healing and laughter filled that space, as a once angry woman wept as she held on to the necks of my teammates. Thanking them for their prayers.

For Steph, the attractive, successful, intelligent yet deceived, young business man... the soil was already tilled. Steph was talking about the sex industry and how messed up it is, how angry it makes him that these little girls and young women have never been told that they do not have to do what these men are telling them to do. As I was eavesdropping from only a few feet away, I heard You say, "Cut to the chase, sis." So as I approached him in the middle of the night market, he told me he didn't believe in You. But I proceeded and expressed how much You believe in him and how wild you are about the man that he is. You gave me a word for him... He would be your voice FOR women and TO men... He would speak on behalf of women in Cape Town and across the globe, creating change on their behalf and fighting for reconciliation. I told him that You were going to use him as a mouthpiece to the world of business and politics, and his eyes lit up. I told him he would speak into the lives of other men... men who may be pondering the dark world that so deeply angered him. He drank in every word like a glass of cool water. When I finished, he said, "I receive every word. Thank you so much for coming over to tell me that. And even if we don't believe in the same deity, to me it is all the same. So please know that I am so grateful for your words." I looked at him in the eyes and said, "When you do believe in Jesus, remember that he sent a random American girl across the globe to speak to you in this night market." As I walked out the Holy Spirit so sweetly spoke to me, "Good job, sis. I will complete what I started in Steph." You so sweetly reassured me that your seeds always bear the fruit they are intended to bear.

For Tee-tee and Nic, it was a consistent daily kindness. A crossing of paths in coffee shops, and athletic gear stores. It was a gentle friendship and prayer for healing over injuries. It was meeting for lunch, and stopping by in the afternoon to say hello. It was the vision of them someday playing a significant role in community, the right seeds in their time.

For Sheldon, it was a long lunch and a big tip. It was an invitation to church and an interest in his personal dreams and the things that keep him going. It was a question about the meaning of his name and a spoken word of identity. A strong tower. A place of peace. It was a short moment of looking at each other in the eyes and telling him how much You love him and how you delight in watching him surf... the thing he loves to do. It was a dismantling of "religion", the lie that You are up in the clouds, disengaged and angry... NO. You are enthralled at our beauty, especially fond of each of us. Sheldon had no idea... but now those seeds are taking root.

For the young Muslim med school student, it was the way You moved when she shared her story about Ramadan and her lack of belief but the stronghold of tradition in her family. Your love spoke to her. In that moment, she was heard, understood, and loved regardless. She heard the name of Jesus. Your mighty name that holds immense power. Your name that breaks every chain and defeats deception. That seed will do exactly what you intend it to do.

As we tilled up the ground with our prayers, You taught us which seeds to plant and when to plant them. Many were scattered broadly, but each with intention and purpose. Because Your heart moves on behalf of each one of us individually. You did not mass produce us. There was never an assembly line of face shapes and personalities. You designed us uniquely, forming us in utter seclusion. Knowing each day of our lives... where we would be on Wednesdays, and when we would have babies, and what we would spend the better part of our lives doing... You know all of those things. And you care. So much that you send us overseas to meet others in those moments. You send us overseas, and you send us to the grocery store down the street. You send us to work as engineers, and teachers, and lawyers, and nannies. You create us with an inclination to like certain things and you don't mess up. Ever. You fight for us, and you teach us to plant the right seeds.

Because You delight in who we are, and You are especially fond of each of us.

Sparkle

We just returned from our honeymoon, and it was the best week with Jared... a time to rest and enjoy each other before we came back home to reality and chaos. Toward the end of the trip I wasn't feeling well, and because we were in Mexico, it was difficult to see a doctor. I didn't want to be rushed to the hospital, so I waited until I got home. Turns out, I have a couple infections, but I'm on plenty of meds now and I'm on the mend. All that to say, I've had a lot of time to lay on the couch and think over the past few days...

There's a new song called Fight Song by Rachel Platten and it's currently on repeat through my speakers. She says, "like a small boat on the ocean, sending big waves into motion... like how a single word can make a heart open... I may only have one match, but I can make an explosion."
Perhaps we all need that as a reminder today...

As I sat on the plane home a couple nights ago I was reading the newest issue of the Darling Magazine... I highly recommend it. The opening page is a letter from the editor and she suggests there is a spark inside each of us. And just like a bonfire, there are times when it's tough to fan the flame. It isn't always easy to keep the fire going, and often times we let the mundane creep in and we spend our days going through the motions. We resemble zombies... we walk around without purpose, pursuing careers that we don't find meaning in. Perhaps it's bold, but maybe it isn't the office job or the ins and outs of motherhood that are keeping us from fanning the flame, perhaps it's the way we view ourselves within those bounds. We forget that we have purpose and that it won't pursue itself.

I'm a dreamer, and for years I've been praying over my first baby girl, Millie. There are a million things that I want her to know about the world around her, and the role that she plays inside that world. I want her to know that she is worthy, and perfectly designed... that her crazy, frizzy, bouncy curls are beautiful... that she's a fighter for the millions of girls around her that can't fight for themselves... that her mistakes do not define her... that she was created with every shade of color...  that it's okay to be deep and complex and to ask questions... and it's also okay to be witty and find humor and whistle through life... I want her to know that the King of Kings hand picked her for her time in history, and no one else can do what she was sent here to do. If she likes art, I want her to create out-of-the-box masterpieces, because that's what she is. If she wants to play sports like her daddy, I want her to know that she can compete with the boys... that being a girl isn't a handicap, but a privilege. I want her to know that she has a voice to speak among men. I pray that whichever path she chooses, or the many throughout her life, she will use her spark to light something within the people around her. I pray that her joy will be contagious, and her spirit will be like a well of living water that others are drawn to. She may be a tiny piece of this world, but I pray that she brings a big boom... knowing deep within her soul that she was created with a purpose to be Jesus to the world.

Thankfully, I have a mom that instilled all of that within me. Of course there are moments when I forget those things, but she's quick to remind me. I want to remind you all of that today. Perhaps you've never heard any of those things, and you find yourself going through the motions to pay the bills and put food on the table. Or maybe your husband or wife walked out on you and your kids and you have no idea which way to turn or what to do... perhaps you took a leap of faith, and you're still waiting for God to hold up his end of the bargain... maybe you need to be reminded that you deserve to be treated like you're the prize. You might be like a little boat on the ocean, but you have the potential to make big waves, and God has not forgotten about you.

If you already know those things, it's time for you to wake up and walk in it. It's time for you to reach out to the girl next to you and remind her that she isn't in this one alone. Use your spark to fan the flame in someone else. One word can change everything. Speak life into her. Ask her about her story. Listen to what she has to say. Don't be afraid to say you're sorry. Don't be afraid to make things right. Our time here is so limited, but we are here on purpose and we must be for each other.

The Great Robin Williams once said, "You've been given only a little spark of madness, you musn't lose it."

Fan the flame.

Black and White

My heart seems to be like a puzzle lately... Although there are parts of me that are wild with jagged edges, they have a place within the big picture. I learn more about myself each day, and I discover parts of me that were created so uniquely that I never knew existed... perhaps these depths of me hadn't been brought to the surface until now for a reason.

I describe myself as bold... sometimes confrontational, often loud, and never afraid to speak up for what I believe in. But these days, some of those characteristics have taken a backseat to a quiet tolerance... creating room for others to explore the freedom in finding themselves. Perhaps there are things about the world, about myself, about God that I haven't yet figured out or even stumbled upon... things that turn up like gold in places I didn't know existed.

I'm beginning to find my voice and my heart in relation to the feminist movement... determined to make the world a better and safer place for every woman on the planet. I get angry about oppression and I believe I am just as capable as the man next to me. I believe I am capable of speaking to the House or the Senate and writing and passing bills... I believe I am capable of creating an enterprise or an organization with fresh ideas and the guts to run with it... I believe I am capable of writing books and standing on stages and leading people... even men. In fact, I believe I was created to do those things. But I'm beginning to see the black and white contrast of life. Of course, I believe God created me with big plans in mind, and in my mind, those big plans looked a lot like the things I just listed. But as a woman, and a future wife, Jesus is revealing to me a new vision for my life... I am beginning to learn the vast responsibility and privilege Jesus entrusted me with. I am learning that Jared is the greatest gift I've been given on Earth, and it's my duty and my joy to be his helper... that my beauty is in contrast to his strength... that he will be the leader of our home, and that we will experience this life together... with him offering his insight and me offering mine. He is now my first priority, and it's my number one job to be his biggest fan and the wind in his sails; to respect him and honor him and to remind him that he's the man.

In all transparency, I'll admit there have been seasons in relationships where the idea of submission felt more like fear... I would think, "but I have a lot to offer..." and "Does this mean I have to walk away from my dreams to support his?" but let me tell you something I heard about a year ago...

Who you are and what God planned for you when He laid the foundation of the Earth has little to do with who you choose to be with. Don't misunderstand, He directs our steps and He leads us throughout this life... But I was created to go into the darkest parts of the world and set captives free through the truth of Jesus; to remind those girls that they were made for more; to breathe the life back into their bones. I know this is what Jesus had in mind when he made me, and it's okay that Jesus had something far different in mind when He created Jared. Just the same as Jared can't sit me down in his office and teach me all about engineering and pipelines and oil and gas and expect to turn me loose and watch me succeed, I can't take him to the middle of the Red Light District and expect him to get in there and be passionate about the issue... because we weren't created to be the exact same. We were created to complement each other and cheer for each other, to hope for the other to rise in all that we do, and to walk through the mountains and valleys side-by-side.

Maybe life isn't all that simple. Maybe we are all a little more complex than we think. I wonder what life would be like if we weren't afraid to test those limits; if we dared to contradict ourselves sometimes... to admit that we don't have all the answers; to say that girls can do all the same things as boys, and yet we can also be their beautiful, contrasting, counterpart.

Those puzzle pieces have their place in the big picture, and figuring out where they fit is part of the adventure. I'm ever-evolving and falling more in love with Jesus and wondering if perhaps He has more up his sleeve... maybe life is not all that black and white. Perhaps it's possible to be his number one cheerleader and still change the world. I know that it's possible, and I know that's what Jesus intended for us.

You were created for adventure. There will be seasons of chaos and heart break and confusion and you will need other people. You will feel pulled to certain things and your heart will break for causes that far exceed your reach and you'll wonder what you can do to make the world a little better. You can make the world better. Whether you're a mom, or an artist, or a congressman or woman, an attorney, a pastor, an engineer, a lobbyist, a hair stylist, a nurse, a football coach, a student, a teacher, a therapist, or all of those things at once... maybe life isn't black and white. Discover the wild pieces of your soul and be brave enough to explore them. Dare to push the limits... We need you around here. 

You're Safe Here

Donald Miller released his new book Scary Close: Dropping the Act and Finding True Intimacy yesterday, and I haven't been able to put it down since I left Barnes and Noble. He is vulnerable and honest and he invites his audience to get in the game of truly being known by others. He has this idea that if we can learn to stop performing for others, we might just connect with them. Perhaps we would discover the meaning of relationship when we begin to walk in transparency... and although this is a terrifying idea, I think it's also the window to freedom and abundance.

I was sitting in class yesterday, thinking about the book, and listening to my professor talk about justice and liberty for our people and as I began to write down a few thoughts my fingers got carried away...

There is no true freedom without you, Jesus. There are chains and hell-holes and hate and fear and captivity. Ashes surrounding us. But you trade your beauty for our ashes. You take away our filth and give us new identity. You are gentle, and you handle us with care because you created us in your own image and you knew that's exactly what we would need. But somehow, somewhere along the way we became self-righteous. We have become more concerned about what we are against than what and who we are for. Your simple instruction was to love you, and then to love our neighbors, but instead we tear people down because they are "sinful"... and we do it in your name. Which doesn't make sense, because it does not follow the example you set for us. When my identity read "sinner" you laid down your life for me. You found a way to exchange my scarlet sin for your purity. The stripes on your back, the spit in your face and the ridicule you endured were simply part of the sacrifice you made for me. But instead of taking up our own crosses, we crucify the people around us for the very things you already died and rose again for... for their beliefs, for their behavior, for their weaknesses, for the thorns in their side. 

You didn't do that. In fact your response to our thorns is grace... abundant grace that runs so much deeper than our sin. We have royally screwed the up the instruction to sharpen one another like iron sharpens iron... instead, we take our swords and try to cut out the ugly parts in our neighbors while forgetting about the log in our own eye. 

Sometimes there are quiet seasons between you and I... but there is one thing you taught me this summer that resounded like a bull horn -- "Woo out their new nature. Tell them what you see in them... and then tell them again. Because their old sinful self does not need to be ridiculed, or crucified, or corrected by you... I already took care of that part. It's finished. Whisper life into those dry bones, nurture them back to life." 

If we are honest with ourselves, we all have a thing or two that we don't like other people to know... we lead bible studies, and go to church, and spend our summers overseas. We study subjects that will prepare us to change the world, yet we keep our scarlet covered up and instead of connecting with people, we begin to perform. I do not believe this is the way life was intended. We don't begin to heal until we feel safe with those who surround us. There is a desperate need for healing around here, and somehow we all act as thought we have it all together. We cannot experience life in abundance if we choose to live life alone. Life was never intended to be lived alone.

There's a part in Scary Close where Don is talking about struggling with a specific relationship and feeling like a failure... He has broken her heart, and it was time to end the relationship... but he's too scared to do it. He begins to wonder if he will ever find the right girl, and if he does, will he be able to keep her around... he talks about the bottle of whisky hidden behind his bible, and he suggests that he's become stagnant in his career but also with others. His friend Bob calls him every single week to check in on him, and every single week Bob tells him, "Ya know, Don... You're good at relationships." Bob gives Don examples every now and then, but the message Bob is presenting is clear: No matter what Don has done, he is still good at relationships. Bob didn't tell him that he needed to get his act together, or to stop drinking whiskey, or to pull himself out of the pit... he simply whispered life into dry bones, and eventually those words began to resonate in Don's soul. He started to believe the truth about himself, and the rest of those things fell in order. 

Perhaps you're struggling right now, and you're afraid to open yourself up and tell others about your mess because you feel the shame... let me tell you something: You are good at relationships. Your depression does not define you. You were created for a specific part of this story that God designed and it would not be complete without you. I promise there is grace that abounds, and you're not too far from it. Be courageous. Open your heart and invite someone in, and just maybe you'll get a taste of what you were intended for. 

If you know someone who is struggling, chances are they need to exchange their ashes for beauty, and perhaps your role is to remind them who are without judgement or an agenda. Chances are, they don't need to be reminded that they're lost... they need to be reminded where they're headed. Maybe its countercultural, and I'd even go as far to say that it's backwards from the way the church does it... but it's absolutely the way Jesus does it. His kindness is what brings us to our knees. 

I dare you to step back and think about your role in the lives of the people around you. Start sharpening others by woo-ing out their new nature. Tell them what you see in them. By doing so, you disarm them and create a safe place for healing to happen. After all, Jesus came for the sick. 

Audience

She was seventeen when she met the man of her dreams... or so she thought. He was handsome and independent, and he offered her something that was appealing: freedom. She was shy and innocent when she first met him, but she quickly found herself adapting to his expectations. Soon after they met, they were married... and in the 1970s, wives couldn't testify against their husbands. She was forced into the porn industry by her own spouse, and she was referred to in the media as "the face of the sexual revolution." Her film brought in over 300 million dollars; however, she never saw a penny of it. She was beat, sold, raped and dehumanized over and over again. To the outside world, she appeared to be happy and content with her vocation; but six years later, she came out with the truth of what happened to her. She was married to her oppressor for three years. In terms of marriage, three years doesn't sound long, but in terms of captivity, it might as well have been a lifetime. She tried to escape 4 times, only to be returned to her captor by her mother, her friends, and even the police. Because of her fame in the industry, her story wasn't taken seriously. The media didn't believe her, the police didn't believe her.... women didn't believe her. Guns were put to her head when she refused to comply. She was exploited in front of millions, and still the world lined up to see for themselves.   She was a prisoner in her own home. I want you to understand the weight of her story.

Because the truth is, her story deserves an audience. Her story is the story of millions of women around the globe. Millions of women are held captive by their husbands, or pimps, or circumstances. Because of their "choice" of work, they are ignored and discarded. These women are walking among us, and we do not even see them. We don't hear their cry for help, because their voices are muted.

The question is often, "why don't they just leave...?" In Oklahoma, 95% of women who are killed by men are killed in their attempt to escape. If they leave, they are risking their lives; if they stay, they are risking their lives. This is a disgusting reality, but it's currently the world we live in... we have to do something about this. We have to be the ones who stand up on their behalf.

Her life is valuable, simply because she was created perfectly by the Almighty God. He created her and envisioned a life of beauty and abundance. Even if no one else saw it, she was precious to Him. Nothing that she did, and nothing that was done to her was too much for Jesus. He loved her... He loved her.

Her story deserves an audience, not only because of what she's endured, but because she's a human being.  You, too, have a story; and you, too, deserve an audience. No matter where you're at, your story matters. What has happened to you in the past, does not define where your life is headed. The cool thing about hope is that it's the belief that there's something better ahead. My friend Ali says, "hope is born in the darkness and spends a lot of it's life being the only light in the room." The truth is we live in a heavy world, and most times it seems to be filled with despair, but even on those days, even in those minutes, hope remains.

It's just like to Jesus to take the rotten and turn it into gold. He took all those things that you've endured on the cross, and then He proclaimed, "it's finished." That's the hope. Yes, there's darkness, but the darkness will never overcome the light.

Find a safe place and don't be afraid to speak up - because I promise, someone is waiting to stand with you. You deserve to be known, and when you speak up the chains of captivity loosen. Your life matters. It doesn't end in the darkness... light remains, and your story deserves and audience.

She's Worth More

It's been an incredible journey through Thailand over the past couple months, and honestly a bit surreal that it's coming to a close. There's been days that felt like minutes, and moments that completely stopped the hands of time. There were nights that I've never felt more alive, and nights that I've wished to be far from the cold darkness that engulfed these streets. At times, I believed I had never had a more life-giving community, and other times I felt like my heart had been lost in the masses, completely misunderstood. There was moments of pure joy and hysterical laughter, and moments of terrifying spiritual warfare. We were a group of 20 American girls, walking through our own crap, but coming together as the body of Christ to illuminate the darkness in Chiang Mai... and I truly believe we did that.

Looking back, I see a shift in our ministry about half way through our time here. From the beginning, the bar moms, girls, men and pimps could immediately tell we were different. We walked into empty bars, ordered a couple sprites, and asked a few girls to play pool with us. They would ask us what we were doing in Chiang Mai and we would tell them we were here on vacation and were teaching English at a local college. Then we would come back with small talk questions, "what's your name?" "where are you from?" "how long have you been here?" in hopes to build some sort of foundation for a new friendship. Many of these conversations did turn into friendships! and my friends spent much of their two months investing in specific girls, teaching them English, taking them to lunch, singing karaoke, exploring waterfalls and ultimately sharing their own stories with them.

In the beginning, my heart was hard toward the men we found there... the sex industry is supply and demand at it's finest... these men were the very ones who were fueling the industry. If there wasn't a demand, maybe these girls would be in school. But whatever animosity once stood between me and those men, soon became a burning desire for them to be set free from their own captivity.

We no longer only looked for quiet bars with a few lonely girls... instead we entered booming bars with loud men and rampant personality. At this point, the bar moms, the men and our new friends knew us. The girls would see us walk in, and immediately get up from the men they were entertaining to greet us with open arms. The bar moms would ask if we wanted a couple sprites, and the men told us we were "brave" for coming to such a place. This time, we no longer told them about our vacation or the schools we were teaching at... we told them about our heart for these girls, and our desire to see them set free from those bars. We told them that those girls were our friends, and we loved them so we came to visit them. We looked at the men as if they were something special as well... as if they were worth knowing, because they are. Because for whatever reason, they believed the lie that they could escape their sorrow and misery back home and find fulfillment from the alcohol and women in the red light district. But when they met us, they encountered something different. We no longer had a passive mindset toward these men, rather I was desperate to tell them who they could be.

Each night our team split into two groups. Nine of us would hit the streets, while the other 11 of us would stay back and intercede. We prayed for opportunities to speak the name of Jesus, we asked for men to get up and walk out of the bars, we prayed for vision and peace to overwhelm our teammates so they could have meaningful conversations without fear of anything seen or unseen. We prayed that the men would notice we were different and approach us to find out why....

 I'll never forget the night I met my friend Peter from Ireland. He was around my dad's age... and I immediately noticed him when we walked in. I was at the pool table playing a game with my friends Da and Gale and suddenly Peter walks past me toward the bathroom. We made eye contact and I smiled, and then kept playing pool with my friends. A few minutes later, Peter comes walking out the bathroom and this time he stops to talk to me. First, he asked me where I was from and then proceeded to compliment how beautiful my expression was... he said he had never seen anything like it. He told me that I wasn't just pretty.... but radiant. I didn't feel
uncomfortable or violated, because it honestly seemed pure - like he was truly in awe, and this was the opportunity I had been praying for... He said, "you must be blessed by Buddha or the gods or something..." but I told him it was Jesus. He looked at me for a couple seconds in silence, and then added a few more compliments and told me he was going back to his friends at the bar, but that it was nice to meet me and that he hopes I enjoy my time in Thailand.... I'm not sure what happened in his mind for those few seconds of silence, and perhaps I will never see Peter again... but he encountered something different that night, and that is why I came to Thailand.

I came for those men just as much as I came for those women. My heart aches for my girls in there, because I've seen their suffering and I've heard their pleas for help. They don't want to be there. They don't want to strip down to barely nothing, and expose themselves for the pleasure of a man. There's no safety, or purity or dignity in that. They dream of a man who will pursue them and love them and cultivate them, just the same way I do. They want to learn English so they can get a good job, and support their families. They want to believe that tomorrow will be better.... but first they need us to stand up on their behalf. They need Godly men to set the example... these women are being manipulated and abused because we are standing by and indulging in our own desires.

Men, the porn industry fuels the supply and demand... when you think that a couple clicks aren't going to hurt anyone, there are women who are forced to engage against their will, and instead of rescuing them, we are tightening their chains. This is a desperate call for you to wake up. Millions of young women are exploited day in and day out and we need men, along with women, to rise up and call for justice. Get educated on the subject. Ask questions. Find someone to hold you accountable, because the truth is that she's worth so much more than a half-hearted habit. That same habit that requires nothing of you, requires every fiber of her being and every ounce of her heart. She is a human being. She was perfectly created for a purpose. She was made in God's image and she was bought with the blood of Jesus. She's a daughter of the Most High King... and she's waiting for us to go get her; to do something about this.

Rise up. She's worth more. 

Roses and Rays of Hope

Mere, Mel and I stood downstairs at our hostel before we took the streets and we gathered in prayer to prepare our hearts for the Red Light District, but also to prepare the Red Light District for us. Each one of us prayed for a specific thing. Mel prayed for the little kids who often wander around the RLD, in and out of bars, selling roses and necklaces. She prayed that the cycle that these kids have grown up in will end with them. They will not stay in the RLD forever, because that's not what God intended for them. She prayed that they would be drawn to us, and that we would be able to offer them a ray of hope... I prayed for the people along the streets... the ones with darkness in their eyes. The ones who look like they really aren't there at all. I prayed that Jesus would open my eyes to them, and that I could love them where they were, however that looked to Him. Mere asked Jesus to give her a word or a picture... some kind of direction for the night. She got the word "flower" and then we set off for the night with wide eyes and full hearts.

As we walked down the street, a few girls waved to us and asked up to come in and sit down. So we ordered a coke for each of us, and then one extra for the girl who would sit with us. We asked her to play a game, and she sat down for a few games of Connect Four but it was obvious that she wasn't interested in us. Immediately after she got up to tend to the men in her bar, a little boy approached us (cue Mel's prayer). He was offering single roses for 20 baht, so I bought one and asked him to play me in Connect Four. He kicked my butt 3 times before giving up on me and asking Mere to play with him. We offered him the extra sprite we ordered, and I reveled in the moment because he was operating in his 10-year-old nature. His feet were kicked up, he was sipping on a sprite, and he was laughing at how bad we were at a silly game. It was a ray of hope for him, even if only for a moment.

We paid for our drinks and then walked down the street toward our next destination. The next bar is one of my personal favorites. My sweet Friend, N, is the bar mom at this bar and we immediately connected a few weeks ago when I went to her bar for afternoon bar ministry. She's around 50 years old, and she refers to herself as "mom" because she's in charge of so many girls. She's also as quiet as a mouse... often times I can't communicate with her because she's so soften spoken. However, despite the language barrier and the lack of volume, I love every minute spent with her.

 

We sat down and ordered a couple cokes and a water and played jenga with a few girls in her bar. Mostly we took pictures and hugged... easy for you to understand why we might be friends. Then suddenly our little boy from the previous bar was standing behind us, giving us pointers on how to win the game! He followed us from one bar to the next because he loved being around us... he was drawn to us. I'm praying that we get to see him again. While we were playing, a woman selling bouquets of roses approached me, so I bought a handful of roses and I knew this was a tangible way to love on people on the streets.  Then we kissed N goodbye, and promised to come back for her. Something in stirring in that place, and I love watching it with my own eyes.





We thought the word "flower" that Jesus gave Mere might have been the dozens of roses that were around us... the roses we bought from the woman, the roses the little boy was selling, the rose scarf N was wearing, her rose print fingernails, the rose tattoo on her shoulder.... it seemed to be a running theme. But it didn't end there. As we walked down the street, we came across a new bar... it had a different atmosphere than the ones around it. There weren't any girls sitting outside trying to lure us in, there weren't any men in the bar at all... 4 Thai girls sat at the bar and giggled while they talked with one another.... We looked up at the sign and it read, "The Rose Bar." It took us about half a second for us to decide to go in and sit down. We picked a booth in the far back of the bar, and one girl came to take our order but otherwise they left us alone. We chose to use that time to pray over the Rose Bar and N and the little boy and the RLD and Chiang Mai... Hope was being restored for that place in the form of a group of white girls, and Jesus was certainly up to something.

While we were talking and praying together, I felt like Jesus was telling me to pray for N's voice... literally and symbolically. She is a bar mom, so she has power of the girls in her bar. They watch her and look up to her and she sets the standard for the girls. So I began to pray that she would literally speak up, so that I could begin to have real conversations with her... conversations that would bring hope and healing and truth. Then I began to pray that she would catch on those things and that she would be the light in the darkness for those people. She would be the voice for those girls, and that through her testimony, hundreds of girls would leave those bars. I prayed that she would be like a roaring lion in that place, that her voice would call for change. Shortly after that, the song "Roar" came through the speakers and the lyrics literally say, "I am a champion, and you're going to hear me Roar, louder than the lion." I love when Jesus speaks through Katy Perry ;)

We left that bar with hope and joy... and as we passed out our flowers to the women on the streets, we saw their eyes light up. Someone had noticed them... someone saw that they existed, and every girl loves flowers.

When we met up with our teammates back at the hostel to debrief, one group of girls had a very different experience. She had a hard conversation with a girl who spoke of the darkness she was living in. She described, in detail, the heaviness of her life. She was working 2 jobs so she could send money back to her son who was living with her parents hours away from Chiang Mai... she had contemplated and attempted suicide twice, and she said, "who would ever want me?" ... As our team members sobbed as they told us of the way they poured their hearts into this girl... They cried to God for freedom for this girl... because the truth is, Jesus wants her. She is precious to him... and it is not about what she's done or seen or what has happened to her. It was never about that, and it never will be about that. It's about grace, and hope and healing and renewal.

My friend Jamie talks about how life is Heavy and Light, and it's okay to be honest and real about it. Sometimes we dance through life and rejoice, and other times we cry and hurt and question. The reality is that each day is different for each of us, and when we through life we never truly know what we might get. There will be days of hard conversations and moments that break our hearts, and there will be moments of hope and light in the darkest places. I won't stop hoping for this place. I won't stop going into the bars and bringing the light with me. I won't stop praying for the men to leave, and I won't stop believing that those girls see something different in me. I love them, and I want, so badly, to walk through the heaviness and through the light with them.

This is why we are here. Maybe you're not stuck in the bars... maybe you live in America and you live a nice life, or maybe you're wondering how life turned to hell so quickly. It's okay to feel those things, and it's okay to be honest about it. There is hope and restoration, and when we expose the darkness to the light, the darkness loses all it's power. The light is coming to the RLD in Chiang Mai, and I believe it's coming for you too, wherever you might be.

Speak up. The light wins. Hope is coming.
 

Freedom Knocks

We have officially been in Thailand for 9 days! Honestly, I still can't believe that I'm here... that Jesus would bring me here with Him. I wake up every morning and think "Wow, the horns on those SongTaos and Tuktuks sound glorious this morning." I am so thrilled to be here and even more thankful that I'm with this group of girls. I've never been more sure that this is exactly where I am supposed to be...

With that being said, things are beginning to get wild around here. For the past week, all 20 of us have been serving in different areas and praying about where God wants us to be and how we wants to use us in each ministry. Each day I walk those streets of the Red Light District and proclaim freedom over those bars, and demand that all chains are broken in the name of Jesus. One thing is for certain, the enemy is definitely aware that we are in town and he's doing everything in his power to distract us, scare us and stop us from what we are here to do.... However, we aren't distracted, we aren't scared and we definitely are not going to stop doing what we are here to do.

Last night eight of us went on a prayer walk during prime time.... In the last five years, Jesus has been preparing me for every single moment that I spend with his girls in those bars. I've experienced their hell on earth in three different countries. I've met many of them by name, I've danced and laughed and made small talk. I've prayed my heart out, cried my eyes out and seen the goodness of God in the darkest of places... but truly, nothing can prepare me for the reality of this place.

In one square mile, there is probably one hundred bars... hundreds of girls trying to catch our eye. These girls are my age. They're beautiful... they have so much life ahead of them; yet they're being held captive... like they're sinking in quicksand. Some of them are new to the lifestyle, and it's obvious because they still have life in their eyes. Others of them appear to have accepted this as their destiny, and they walk through life like zombies... until they caught a glimpse of us last night. As I walked past a particular bar with three of my teammates, I saw the sweetest girl.... I looked at her and smiled with genuine joy and she locked eyes with me as if she had found what she was searching for. We looked at each other for about 10 seconds, but it felt like a real encounter. Her life flashed before my eyes, and I couldn't help but think about what her daily routine might look like... the horrors that she's lived through, the thoughts she has, and the emptiness she feels. My next thought was what her life will look like... healing and joy. Redemption. Laughter. Dancing. Purity... confidence.  She will truly be made new... a new creation in Jesus. He has such marvelous plans for her life, and he has had them since the foundation of the world. She has not been forgotten. She has not slipped through the cracks. Jesus knows exactly where she is, where she walks, where she sleeps. He knows her.

I will never ever understand why this happens... why this industry is so corrupt yet so booming in every corner of the world. It disgusts me, I hate it. I hate the way the enemy works. I HATE HIM. I hate his schemes and plots and plans. I hate that he thinks he knows us and our weaknesses. I hate that he has these men convinced that it would be a good idea to leave their wives and their kids and their jobs to hop a plane to the Red Light District of Chiang Mai. I hate that they've been deceived. I hate that they think it will satisfy them. I hate that these girls think this is what life is. I hate that they've grown up in a culture that doesn't nurture their femininity, and protect their innocence. I hate that the enemy is trying to devour them... I hate that this is happening.

These are God's people... these are my people. There is hope. My sweet friend, O, has recently left the Red Light District and now works at Zion Café (the hostel and ministry we are staying at). She's been here a few days longer than me... The battle is real - she feels pulled between her boyfriend, who works at the bars, and Zion, where she is loved and protected and believed in. After eight months of missionaries in and out of her bar, she finally had the courage to leave and to seek refuge at Zion... Zion is truly the lighthouse in the darkness. She is learning about Jesus and I can see the life coming back to her eyes. There are thousands of Os in Chiang Mai who are waiting for someone to come alongside them and offer them something real... something true.. something better. This is why I am here.

I believe in hope because it radically changed my own life... and now it's my job to bring that same hope to my girls, wherever they may be.

Pray for me... my heart breaks every day for these people, but I wouldn't wish to be anywhere else. Pray that the Holy Spirit will direct my steps, and that my steps will be in line with His. Pray for O as she works through the heartache and confusion, and that she will chose to find her home at Zion. Pray for all the Os in this city that will come out of this and find life. Pray for the girls to be drawn to me. Pray that we will build relationships quickly, and that they will be receptive to me. Pray that the men will see Jesus in me. Pray that the men will stop coming here, and that they won't go to the bars. Pray that the bars will be empty. Pray something big. We don't have time for wimpy requests. Ask God to do something big in Chiang Mai...

Freedom is coming.

The Land of Smiles

We have officially arrived, and are beginning to get acclimated, to our new home in Chiang Mai, Thailand! This place is fascinating and far different from our American lifestyle. After a 12 hour day in the Atlanta Airport, an 8 hour flight to Amsterdam, a five hour layover, a 12 hour flight to Bangkok and an 11 hour drive to Chiang Mai, we are FINALLY home. I love it!!

Our home is called Zion Hostel at Zion café, and it's truly a light in the darkest of places. Located on a corner right down the street from the Red Light District, Zion Café is a fortress for so many women. Not only is it a lighthouse, but it's a delicious coffee shop. A little slice of home right beneath our feet!

Each morning we wake up and walk down a few flights of stairs for breakfast.... On our first morning here we had banana bread, watermelon, pineapple, eggs and a fruit smoothie.... Needless to say, we feel like royalty. Our meals have been a nice balance between American comfort and Thai cuisine, and it's heavenly.

The last few days have been dedicated to orientation, so we have been learning from our incredible contact Emmi and her staff about Thai culture and the ministries that she runs. I am so thankful that I get to learn from her. She is absolutely revolutionizing this city for Jesus, and I am so pumped to be a part of the jigsaw puzzle at Zion.

My team is so incredible. I laughed while telling my parents that I'm with 19 other Kirbys, which is true and false at the same time. This is a wide variety of personality types and humor represented in our group, but each one of us is a warrior for Jesus. We aren't afraid to hit the front lines of the war. We are passionate about seeing freedom in our own lives as well as the lives of the people we are about to meet in this city, and I am so encouraged by their faithfulness to complete the work the Lord has started in each of them. I've known them for about 7 days and they're already some of my very best friends. I am thrilled to see where the Lord leads us together.

Today we split up into groups of five and explored Chiang Mai by hitting the streets for a scavenger hunt. We were given a map and list of places to find and instructions for what to do at each place.... three hours into it, our feet were hurting, our clothes were soaked in sweat and we were thanking Jesus for GPS.

Although this has already been the most encouraging time with my teammates, we have definitely felt the spiritual warfare around us. We are each very aware of what the enemy thinks he's doing in this city, and we are determined to shut him down. So this is my call to all my prayer warriors at home: There are six girls on our team who have been battling autoimmune diseases throughout their lifetime and the Holy spirit has put the desire for healing in my heart for each girl. Last night we had a big prayer meeting and prayed over each girl. There was a major battle taking place in that room and disbelief played a major part in it. The truth is that Jesus came to give us life and to give it to us abundantly. Nowhere in the Bible does it say that the Lord wants for us to be sick. He bore our diseases on the cross, and by His stripes we are healed. That is the promise, and there is victory in that. We are more than conquerors in Jesus, and we are co-heirs with Christ. So when we ask for anything in his name, He is there to give it to us. We believe in the faithfulness of Jesus, and we believe that His spirit remains the same in me as it was in the disciples at Pentecost. In order to be as effective as possible for the Kingdom of Heaven in Thailand, we must allow the Holy Spirit to work in and through us.

I need you guys to stand by us in believing that the Lord has so much to do in Thailand, and it begins in us. He cares about our sicknesses, and He cares about the sweet girls around the corner. I am standing on His promises, and I am expectant to see Him move in this place. He delivers us from the traps of the enemy.

Next week we will begin ministry, and each day may look slightly different. Some days we will be teaching English and building relationships with college students at a near by University. Some days we will be doing prayer walks throughout the Red Light District before a group of us head out there that night. Some days we will be traveling to near by slums and villages and playing with the little ones: playing soccer, painting nails, laughing.... Some days we will get to chat with the Monks! I am super pumped about that one.

I'll be sure to keep everyone updated each week - please be praying for revival in us and in Chiang Mai... It's about to get wild up in here.





 

The War in Thailand

A battlefield, warrior mindset – that is the way I was created. When I imagine my life, I imagine a raging war taking place around me, and I see myself running wide-eyed, fist clenched, running fast into the center of the action. When I was fourteen years old, I discovered my calling to mental health. Depression, anxiety and self-harm were evident before me, and I saw a need in the world that required something of me to seek change on their behalf… I was determined to speak life into people who find themselves struggling, and to encourage them to keep breathing...

When I was seventeen years old, I set sail for my first trip to the Red Light District of Amsterdam and I saw women dealing with the same issues but in a different setting. Prostitution held them captive, and it appeared that the enemy had them, and that city, on a tight leash. I have never felt more alive than I did in that Red Light District, and I realized that it would be my home around the world. Those were my girls, and I would do anything to help them. In the midst of it all, I was warned to “be careful” and “stay safe.” But fear of the war was the last thing on my mind. I’ve never been afraid to hop a plane to a foreign country, or to travel with a group of strangers. I’ve never been afraid to walk into an Asian bar and sit down with a broken girl on her night shift. I’ve never been afraid of the lurking men or the things that “could” happen. Aware? Yes, indeed. But afraid? Never.

If you were to ask me about my deepest fear, it would be to miss out on the things Jesus has chosen me to do. I am afraid to live a comfortable lifestyle with a bunch of money and no eternal impact. I’m afraid to sit back and expect someone else to do what I am so obviously cut-out to do. Over the last year, I’ve become a feminist... Once I explain what it means to really be a feminist, I bet you’ll be one as well. I believe in educating and empowering women all over the globe. I believe women are powerful and smart and embody specific characteristics of God’s nature. I believe every human being was created with divine purpose, including women, and therefor deserve to have a voice. I believe empowering women to learn who they are in Christ will radically change the economy, the job market, the education system, the political system and the family. I believe education and knowledge are power and girls, all over the world, should have the opportunity to learn. When one girl catches a spark of what she was created for and what she is capable of, she is quick to pass along the fire to other girls, thus illuminating the darkness. She deserves a chance. She deserves a voice. I will not stop fighting until she gets it.

My favorite documentary is called Girl Rising and it’s about educating girls. At the very end it shows a girl from Afghanistan who was forced to leave school under the Taliban law and sold into a marriage at the age of 13. She was determined to rise up on behalf of the girls in her nation and she spoke with a fire in her eyes. She said,

"Don't tell me that women do not have a place in society. I have learned about Afghan women as attorneys and doctors. They force me to wear this hijab with no opening for my mouth to speak. They expect me to be silent, but I will not. If they throw me into a pit, I will climb out. If they try to kill me, other girls will rise up behind me and take my place. I am change."

I believe we will read about her in the history books someday... Because this war that is raging around me is not just the Taliban or Boko Haram or the pimps that I'm about to meet in Thailand. The war is against Satan and his manifestation of evil in heavenly places. Jesus is going to go get those girls and He has chosen me to go with him.

So pray for me and my team as we run where the Spirit leads us into the front lines of the war. He will be a wall of fire around us, and the Glory in our midst. And when the enemy comes in, like a flood the Holy Spirit will rise up a standard against him. I believe this valley of oppression and drought is about to take a drink from the spring of Living Water. Jesus will be their avenger, and we all know how that story ends.

Redemption is coming.

Pursuit

"I'm coming for you."

This phrase. I haven't been able to stop thinking about it since Easter Sunday. I was sitting in church and we were singing a song about grace and freedom and power... all things that I believe we receive through Jesus; all things I have experienced first hand. Easter Sunday is a day to celebrate Jesus raising from the dead and conquering the grave. Power? Are you kidding? He redefined power. He was beaten so badly he barely resembled a human. The soldiers were so proud of themselves... like "yeah, we really delivered on that guy." They wrap him up, put him in a tomb, roll a giant stone in front of it and wash their hands. It's finished. So they think.

Three days later, the tomb is empty. No sign of the once broken body. Then all at once his friends are inside having a meeting and Jesus appears... fully human. They were there when he was beaten to death... they saw him hanging on that cross. They saw him be wrapped up and placed in that tomb. There was no possible way he could be standing in front of them, but he was. Thomas wasn't there, but he quickly caught wind of the meeting. He couldn't believe it, literally. He said, "I won't believe it until I see him with my own eyes; until I touch the scars in his hands and on his side."

Here's the plot twist. Jesus could have said, "you have little faith." It was not required of Jesus to meet Thomas and grant him his request. Regardless of if Thomas had ever seen Jesus again in real life, the truth would have remained the same. Jesus still was raised from the dead and walking among his people. But He did it anyway. He knew that Thomas needed to see him, and Thomas was that important to him. If Thomas needed to touch his scars, then Jesus was going to find him and show him his scars....

As hopeful as that story is, my heart was broken and heavy. I stood in a room with hundreds of other people, all free to go to church and worship our living God... all people who had heard the name of Jesus and were never persecuted for uttering his name. My mind flashes to the women in Thailand. To the girls in Cambodia, Guatemala, Los Angeles, Oklahoma City. We celebrate Easter as a day that we became More than Conquerors in Christ Jesus. We celebrate a day when we became victorious. But these women have no idea... they are held captive day in and day out and their bodies and psyches are beaten down until they submit to their captors. I began to pray for them... really pray for them... that jail cells would fly open the same way they did for Paul and Silas; that their captors would fall asleep so they could escape; that their governments would rise up on their behalf; that they would have supernatural strength and boldness to run; that they would find a safe haven, a place of protection; that their location would be hidden from their predators but revealed to their rescuers. I asked God, "why do I get to celebrate your victory, your redemption... as they live through hell?" and then I heard that phrase....

"I'm coming for them."

Thailand. Why am I going? I'm going to be the rescuer. I'm going because Jesus is coming for them, and I am the one that will physically be there for Him. My friend Jamie says, "We often ask God to show up. We pray prayers of rescue. Perhaps God would ask us to be that rescue, to be his body, to move for things that matter." I believe that. We must be the rescuers... to go into the places where no one else will go, because those girls were created and brought for a price and their waiting for Jesus to show up to show them the scars he took for each of them.

Chances are you aren't being held captive in cave, or a jail cell or a brothel. But you might be held captive by an addiction, or a fear, or a job title, or a broken heart, or a divorce, or a death or a disease. You can't escape the circumstance and you have no idea how to get out... You've given up hope because it feels like you're running backwards or sinking in quick sand. I've been where you are. You're not alone in that, and you won't be there forever.

We often hear the words, "come to me, and I will give your rest." or "draw near to God, and he will draw near to you." but the good news is that in our weakness, when we don't have the strength to even draw near to him... when we don't know how to... He comes looking for us.

It's a furious pursuit. He won't stop until he gets us, and once He does He will turn us into the rescuers.

He's coming for you.

Shackles

Do you ever have those moments when it seems the whole world is rushing around you and you see yourself standing among the chaos paralyzed... Or perhaps you're the one that feels like everything is spinning out of control, and you just can't get yourself to sit still for a single minute because you're confused and heartbroken and there are things to get done and things to fix and maybe those things are out of your control... Maybe it's a mixture of the two, which doesn't make sense but maybe nothing really has been making sense lately.

I am a lover of Jesus, and when I think about not writing about him I immediately have writers' block. When I think about writing to the masses, but leaving Jesus out of it, my mind goes blank. It's as if there is nothing to say without talking about him, because I don't think we are ever truly set free from captivity without Him. We can't beat our sickness, or overcome depression, or walk away from an addiction without Him because the truth is that he is our source of freedom. We can't truly accept our flaws, or see through our insecurities without Him because through Him we know that we were created in his likeness... that we are his masterpiece.

That season of life that I was describing... chaos and paralysis and heartbreak and attempting to fix it all... that has been me over the past couple months. It feels like my life has come to a screeching halt - maybe it's because my college career is coming to a close and I'm beginning to feel the pressure of figuring out the next step. Maybe it's because of a recent heartbreak, maybe it's a spiritual attack as I get ready to head to Thailand, maybe it's because I'm living in an extremely fast paced town and everyone has their own agendas, and it's so easy to feel left behind... It has been a really hard couple of months, but I'm learning that it's okay to have hard chapters of life.

I vividly remember sitting across the table from my mentor in a café when I was 14 years old and feeling so much bitterness toward her because she was supposed to be walking through that dark season with me... she was supposed to be asking me each day how I was doing, but instead she was going on with her life. As I cried out to her and confessed that I had been so upset with her for forsaking me in my time of need, she said "Kirby, you have to reach out." How would she know that I needed someone to walk with me if I wasn't willing to reach out and ask for help? I like the way God reminds us of our pasts in order to protect us from repeating history, because the truth is that we all have times when we desperately need other people to hold us up when we can't stand on our own. We are all weak and finite, but if we don't speak up and ask for help, they won't know to help us.

Sometimes we need to talk about the things in our lives that weigh us down... the expectations and the deep sadness that we feel. Sometimes we need to be reminded that we are fighting an enemy, and he is trying to fill our heads with nonsense. In fact, he's described as the Father of Lies. He tries to tell us that the pressure is on us to perform well, and when we don't get the job it's because we don't have what it takes. If you feel like there isn't a man or a woman out there for you, be on guard. If you feel the weight of your dad walking out on your family, be on guard. If you feel like the abuse and the result of self-hatred is your fault, be on guard. If you feel like the responsibility of pleasing everyone is on you, listen up... You were not created to carry the weight of the world. Other peoples' choices are not a reflection of you or your worth. Grace does not depend on merit. You were not created to seek the approval of men, if they don't accept you? shake the dust. You do not have to prove to yourself or anyone else that you are good enough. You are not responsible for the hearts or future of anyone else, the truth is that God loves each one of them exactly the same way he loves you. He has promised to provide for them and protect them and guide them and love them the exact same way He as promised to do all those things for you. You are living with shackles because you're allowing the enemy to deceive you, but here's the good news: You don't have to fix any of it. You don't have to try to take it all back and start over... just drop it where you are. Drop the weights. Let them go.

There's this song that I love right now and it's called Nothing I Hold On To by Will Reagan & United Pursuit and he sings "I lean not on my own understanding, my life is in the hands of the Maker of Heaven. I give it all to you, God, trusting that You'll make something beautiful out of me."

That 's the cry of my heart. He created you so perfectly. Your circumstances are not permanent. You will not be in this place forever. You will walk through tough seasons, but your story was never intended to end there. If you'll give it to Jesus, he will liberate you from the pressure and the lies and the heartbreak. He will make something beautiful out of you, just take off your shackles.

Ablaze

It's 2014, people. Cheers! I love a new year... maybe because it feels like something new; fresh; abundant possibilities. It's never happened before. It's an invitation to something more. None of us have any idea what it holds; its mysterious and intriguing. A full year is ahead of us - it's January 9th. I love January for that very reason... the whole year is still ahead of us.

I can't help but feel like twenty-fourteen holds something special for me - its the end of an era, and the beginning of another. I will graduate from college in May, and then I'm off to Thailand for a couple months. I have no earthly idea what will happen on the streets of Chiang Mai, Thailand, but I do know that I'm going for a reason.

I'm big on words, and I love books and quotes and lyrics and poems. I think certain words echo throughout our lives; they have the ability to shape us. Maybe for you its the letter your mom left you before she passed away, or maybe its the teacher who told you that you have what it takes. Maybe it's your dad saying "I'm proud of you," or maybe its your favorite writer who taught you to embrace "whimsy." Maybe its the person who told you that your story is important. I hope the words that you remember have pushed you to keep going... to move for something that matters. One of my all time favorite quotes is by Joan of Arc...

"I'm not afraid... I was born to do this."

I hope to embody those words throughout my life. I hope that to be my legacy. I hope I have the courage to look fear in the eyes, and say "I was born to do this." Those words echo throughout my life, because they mean something.

I came across a few words the other day, and they felt familiar...

"She's mad, but she's magic. There is no lie in her fire." - Charles Bukowski

I want to live a life set ablaze... where it cannot be denied that my life was indeed on fire. There may be people who think I'm a little nutty, maybe even mad; but magic all the same. We must believe that we can be those things. That we can be mad, but magical. fearless. intense. driven. The world needs us to be those things. Our decision to allow ourselves to be fully alive affects everything - we have influence; we inadvertently allow others to do the same. My fire is of little worth, unless I spread it to others, and when we team up and work together we set the world ablaze - we cannot be stopped.

Our passions and our desires and our goals don't have to be the same. Life would be so boring if they were. We don't have to have the same approach, or even agree on the minor details, we just have to keep the fire ablaze. We have to risk our reputation of comfort, and step out into the wild.

We don't know what the road looks like yet... it's all a secret, waiting to be revealed.

Will you join me? It's a new year - two thousand fourteen... it's new and pure and blank. Will you hold tight to the words that matter, and allow them to resound throughout your days? You belong. You matter. Your story is important. You were born to do this.

You're mad, but you're magic... let's start the fire.

Formulas

I've been reading this book called Searching for God Knows What by Donald Miller, because he's one of my favorite authors and I like the way he writes. He writes like it would sound if he were to be thinking out loud... a little bit scatterbrained, and most definitely raw. He writes what he believes, and he challenges me to do the same.

This particular book is about trying to figure God out, and making faith a science. He describes our "walk" with God as us trying to follow a formula. As if it were a three-step equation, and we're done. The saddest part is that we often peg God as a simple math problem. The truth is that life is complex and people come and go, and there isn't a simple three steps to help us solve the worlds problems.

Recently, I've been asking God what the next step of my life is going to look like... He hasn't said much, and I think he's playing a joke on me. For years I've asked him to take me on an adventure. I've asked him to "just light the next step" so that I'm forced to hold his hand and trust Him. I guess that's what we're doing.... and I'm not opposed because I think this is the best kind of adventure.

The truth is that we don't have to graduate from high school or college and know exactly what we are going to do with our lives. And we don't have to stick to that one thing either. I think more than anything, God takes us along different paths in order to meet different people. That's ultimately his plan anyway, right? For us to all meet each other and work together to make the world look like what he intended it to be thousands of years ago.

I, along with many of my peers, are beginning to panic because it seems that our college hourglass is running out... What's next? Maybe you're not in college. Maybe you're a recent grad, or a single mom, or a soldier. Maybe you're a young entrepreneur, or a newly wed. Maybe you're willing to do whatever it takes to fight on behalf of orphans, or you're ready to find someone to love and do life with him or her. Maybe you're a nurse who's decided to go back to school. Or a football coach who's ready for something more... You're not going to be in this job, or this place, forever. It's only a pit stop. You've been places before this, and you'll go places after this. If you're ready for more, ask God. His heart has never been to withhold any good thing from you, but rather to unleash his power and blessing over you. His desire is for you to experience his goodness and to share it with everyone you meet.

I've recently been thinking about teaching. I love to teach people about Jesus. Especially women, because I think God has revealed so much of himself to us to remind us what we are worth and how much he desires us. I want to empower women to live with passion and purpose. I want them to know that they were created to live this way. But I'm not talking about bible studies and small groups; I'm talking about class rooms. Tonight I was reading something I wrote a few months ago...

"My mom recently mentioned to me an idea about teaching a women's studies class at the high school. I do believe there is much for high school students to learn about themselves before they head to college, or have babies or get a job. I want to teach them that they are important; that they each were created to roam the earth this very day. I want them to know they have potential. I want them to learn to dream. I want them to face their fears and take them head on. I want them to discover what it is about themselves that makes them tick. What makes them move? What wound do they see in the world that they need to actively hold their palm against in order to stop the bleeding? I want them to know that we have power in our words - over ourselves, and over others. I want them to know they are the most prized possession; that their hearts are gentle and tender for a purpose. I want them to talk. Discuss. Interact. I want them to feel known by one another. I want them to know what is going on around the world. I want them to see the hell that people are living through even if for only a second. I want them to value their bodies and respect themselves. I want them to stop treating their bodies like objects, and I want them to stop allowing others to do the same to them. I want them to know that "we accept the love we think we deserve" and I want them to know how much they deserve, because they were bought for a pretty steep price. I want them to enjoy being 16 or 17 or 18. I want them to stop and enjoy the roses. I want them to learn to value simple and delicate things. I want them to be gentle with others. I want them to know, though their stories may be tough, they matter."

Until this summer, I never thought about teaching a class or a curriculum. I don't know if that's the path I'll end up on, but I know that God puts ideas and dreams into our hearts for a reason.... and it seems that these dreams are constantly changing. The foundation of changing the lives of women has never changed, but the way in doing that will continue to change throughout my life, because I am choosing to follow Jesus wherever He goes, whether it be to the brothels and bars of Thailand, or the buildings and classrooms of Norman.

Just like mine, your life won't be the same forever. Life isn't a formula, and neither is God. He wants to get to know you and have an intimate relationship with you, just like he desires for you to have with others. Donald Miller says, "The truth is there are a million steps, and we don't even know what the steps are, and worse, at any given moment we may not be willing or even able to take them; and still worse, they are different for you and me and they are always changing. I have come to believe the sooner we find this truth beautiful, the sooner we will fall in love with the God who keeps shaking things up, keeps changing the path, keeps rocking the boat to test our faith in Him."

It's not a formula. It's time we stop treating life like a three-step equation, and start living the adventure, as different and changing as it may be.
 

"Change is gonna come..."

Over the past three years I've been trying to figure out what I am going to "be" when I graduate from college... I have known what I am going to do with my life since my sophomore year of high school, but how I'm going to do the things I'm called to do is a completely different can of worms... Before this semester, my favorite class was a women's issues class because we explored the hardships that females face every day. From sexual violence to human trafficking to the access of equal opportunity; these issues are the same from Norman, Oklahoma all the way to Phnom Penh, Cambodia. The things we deal with are universal.... They're human issues; not American or African or Asian issues. These topics require change, and until this semester I had yet to learn about how I was going to make this change come about....

Many of us believe that life is all about having fun, and to a certain extent, I can agree... I think that life should be enjoyed! But I also think there is so much more - so many things that are wrong in the world that are calling for us to get mad about and to do something about them.

This semester I'm taking a class called Social Change Process, and though it may be challenging, it's my new favorite. Basically our professor asks us about controversial topics and challenges us to form an opinion. The conversations typically start out about one thing and escalade into something totally different that is accompanied by a debate between conflicting view points. For example, a few topics have been on stem cell research, same sex couples applying for adoption, the legalization of marijuana, women receiving less pay than men, free health care, human trafficking and so on...

Today the focus was on women receiving less pay than men. When he asked us to raise our hand if anyone was involved in the movement for justice, not a single woman raised her hand. He didn't understand. He asked why none of us were interested in doing something about it. One girl said that taking a job with less pay was better than denying the job and receiving no pay at all. Another girl explained that statistics show that a major reason for the increase in divorce rates was due to women making more money than men, creating insecurities in the male; therefore, it was more important to her to have a lasting marriage than equal pay... There were so many reasons that we weren't standing up for what we all agreed was right. The conversation quickly changed to human trafficking.

He said, "Kirby, aren't you passionate about human trafficking? So what are you doing about it?"

I was silent for a few seconds, and he continued... "What are you guys doing to change the things that you consider injustice? Are you writing letters to the Senator explaining that Oklahoma is one of the largest transits in the United States for trafficking humans across state borders? Are you asking leaders to pass a law that requires each truck to be searched at the stops along the high way to insure that human beings are not being commuted from one city to the next? What are you doing to create change?"

I was challenged. Then he said something that I haven't been able to stop thinking about all day...

"College students are one of the most powerful groups of people in the United States. Why? Because you all have nothing to lose. If I were to stand outside and picket about something, I have the chance of getting fired, but you? They're not going to tell you that you have to stop paying them for an education... You all have the most powerful voice - you can stand up for whatever you want. Human Rights. Equal pay. Whatever.... but it's a shame, because you don't use it."

He's right. The truth is that we are in such a crucial time in our lives. We have the world at our fingertips... We are free to go wherever we want, see whatever we want, and do whatever we want. We don't have a career tying us down and most of us don't have other people we are trying to provide for. But we waste our lives on empty nights that we don't even remember... Our generation is the one that can change the world. We have access to knowledge of the things that are taking place around us, and we have more ways to speak to large amounts of people than ever before.

Two of my favorite sentences every spoken are "I'm not afraid, I was born to do this." - Joan of Arc and "If our God is for us, who could be against us?" Romans 8:31.

There are more injustices happening around the world than we could ever begin to imagine. It's not enough to simply get angry about them. We have to write letters. We have to create or join the movement. Love takes action. We can't be afraid of failing. We have the opportunity to do things that 95% of the rest of the US population doesn't. We may be young, but we're powerful.

We just  have to be bold enough to stand.

 

Full to the Brim

Recently I've been learning about being all in. About living life fully. About pouring out until that which I am pouring into is overflowing. About giving everything I have. It's an interesting concept that can easily be brushed aside in our busy American lives. We have all these different clubs and groups and jobs and obligations, and it's easy to slice our time and energy into small pieces and distribute.... but when I think about Jesus and the way he lived I see that He gave his time and attention to whoever he was with in that moment. He kept speaking until everything that needed to be said was said... He didn't leave anyone half healed - he stayed until his job was complete, and when it was complete he moved on to the next thing.

 I think this might be my favorite thing about Jesus. He never did anything half-way. He made everything full and complete. For example, in John 6, Jesus sees a large crowd of over 5000 people coming his way and they're all hungry. Jesus turns to Philip and asks him where they can buy enough food to feed all of the hungry people. It was more like a quiz than an actual question... Jesus already knew how he was going to solve the problem but He wanted to know what Philip's advice would be. Philip's mind immediately went to logistics. He started crunching numbers and decided it would take over 6 months worth of wages in order to feed all of these people... But Jesus was in the business of taking the impossible and illogical and creating a mind-blowing masterpiece. Another disciple had found a small boy with a lunch of five loaves of bread and two fish... about equivalent to a lunchable. Jesus knew he could use that. He told everyone to sit down, He gave thanks to God and then took the small boys lunch and started distributing it to the masses, allowing them to eat as much as they wanted until they were full. When everyone had eaten as much as they could, there was enough food left over to fill twelve baskets.

This is how Jesus works. He's in the business of supernatural provision. He does immeasurably more than we could ever ask or imagine in our wildest dreams. He doesn't do things half-way. He does them until they're overflowing.

I think we have to live our lives this way. Especially as the church. Very rarely do people reach out for help so when they do risk the chance of being rejected or turned away, it's incredibly important that we meet them where they are and we give them one hundred percent of what we have to offer. God never leaves us empty... when we pour out, he fills us up again.

I want to live a life where the people around me are full to the brim; a life where I'm continually asking God to refill me so I can pour back out. The opportunities are in every day decisions. It's a choice to be intentional and to be present.

It's beginning to hit me that this is my last year of school... I have one more year on this campus before I'm surrounded with new scenery. I have about ten classes left to take... ten teachers, ten class rooms. This year I'm asking God to unleash his power and blessing in my life. To open doors to relationships and potential jobs that no man can shut. I really believe he's about to blow my mind. He's going to fill me up to the brim so that my life is overflowing. I want to learn more this year than I have in the past three... in class and in life. I want to meet unlikely friends, go unlikely places and dream unlikely dreams. I want to write a book. I want to empower women. I want to live in an abundance of joy. I'm on the homestretch of this college marathon and my time clock is ticking... I want to make the most of every opportunity to give what I have to every person I meet.

Maybe you're in the same position as I am, or maybe you're about to start a new job. Maybe you're about to be a freshman in college, or you've taken on a new position at your church. Maybe you just found out you're going to be a mom, or maybe you're the new member educator of an incredible organization - wherever you find yourself: you have the ability to fill the lives of others to the brim and it's a decision you make each and every moment. You were hand picked and ordained by God to be in this very place at this very time and He has a whole lot to teach you. You are a powerful force because of Jesus who is inside of you. He will take you on the wildest ride, and reveal to you the unthinkable if you'll choose to explore with him.

He's asking us to join in on his distribution system. He never runs out, and he never stops until all are full and complete. You are a part of this story. Start pouring.

Oceans

About nine months ago I was trying to decide what I was going to do this summer... It's my last summer as a student. Which means about this time next year, God willing, I'll have a real job. I had two dreams, and two opportunities. My first dream was to go to China and work with the underground church in order to reach people for Jesus, specifically women and even more specifically prostitutes. It seemed daring, and maybe a little bit frightening and maybe a lot a bit stretching... but there was a local organization that had ties with another organization in China and it seemed like an awesome opportunity to get my hands wet with long term missions. When I say long term, I mean longer term... about 3 months.

My second dream was to be the recruitment chair for my sorority. From the world's perspective, these two look like polar opposite ends of the spectrum; one path representing a grungy missionary lifestyle and the other representing a surface level diva lifestyle. However, the two aren't so different. I'd still be getting to work with women... just not with the underground church. I'd live in Norman and work with 5 other girls in order to make each of the 1,200 incoming girls feel like they're the most important person on the planet.

I pursued the latter of the two. I knew it would be the best summer yet, spending my free time in Norman with my friends. However, it hasn't been all rainbows and sparkles... Don't get me wrong, I love being the recruitment chair, and I love getting to plan the best week of the year. I don't think there is anything better in college than recruitment. In an attempt to be vulnerable and transparent, bare with my honesty.

Sometimes God brings us to a hard place in order to get our attention. My hard place is being alone. I don't like to be alone because I'm an extrovert and my energy source is other people. More often than not, I get sad when I'm alone. Most of my friends and roommates have boyfriends, so when I'm in Norman I see a lot of quiet nights. It's easy to believe that I'm spending the evening all alone, but that opens the door to the enemy to tell me that I'm lonely. The truth is, God promised me that He would never leave me... so when I feel lonely, it's just a lie. If Satan can get me to feel sorry for myself, he knows I won't plug into God and he wins the battle. But I know the truth, and that truth sets me free.

When I spend all my time with people, I don't take time to slow down and be quiet. I think this is my biggest flaw. In order for Jesus to get my attention, he has to get me to slow down. He has to get everyone else out of my line of vision, or I won't take a minute to be still.

The thing is, we all have distractions... Sometimes distractions aren't bad... but God still desires our attention. Just as you and I long for the attention of the ones we love the most, God longs for our undivided attention. He wants to be known by us. He put that same desire in our hearts for a purpose. If we find ourselves in a lonely place, we have to rewire our souls. We were created for relationship. A certain type of relationship. A captivating relationship that lights a fire and spurs us on. A relationship where we know the promises of God... the promise that He has great and mysterious things in store for us. We have to get to a point in our relationship with Jesus that we are willing to follow his voice while wearing a blindfold... to develop a security in walking by faith and not by sight.

There's this song called Oceans by Hillsong United... listen to it. It's what I want my life to echo... but there's this part that brings me to life -

"Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders. Let me walk upon the waters wherever you would call me. Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander and my faith would be made stronger in the presence of my savior..."

It's daring. It's challenging. It's hard. But love trusts without borders. It follows without knowing the outcome. It chooses to be engaged in life. Love does hard things.

If you find yourself in a place where you can relate to me... regardless of what it is that you struggle with, drop your guard. God wants in. You're not alone, and you haven't been alone a single day of your life. He's ready to speak, its you that has to be willing to listen.

 

Alive

Lately I've been uninspired. I've tried to write, and I keep coming up short. I'll write three or four paragraphs and erase it because the words don't seem right. The thing about this blog is that I write when I feel Jesus impress something on my heart. If I feel uninspired, it's because I haven't been listening. It's because I'm disconnected somewhere.

I hate being busy, but I find myself in the busiest season of my life right now. If I'm not working, or calling people and setting up meetings for Recruitment, I'm doing homework or driving back and forth to Tulsa. I'm living in black and white, instead of vibrant colors. This isn't the first or only time I'll ever feel like this... the truth is, life cycles in seasons. If I feel distant from Jesus, it's because I moved, not him... He speaks to me through others a lot, and it's been so good to hear from him again today.

I was reminded what it was that brought the colors back in my life. I was reminded what it feels like to dream. What it means to have bold, logically impossible dreams. Dreams that require supernatural intervention. Dreams to travel to the uttermost ends of the earth in order to seek the lost. Dreams to laugh with women about silly things. Dreams to write meaningful words. Dreams to risk my life in order to save someone else's.

When I went to Cambodia, I felt in my soul that I was most alive in that place. I was functioning in my element. I knew I belonged among those women. I don't necessary think Cambodia is the country for me, but in that hell hole in the middle of the Red Light district... In that place those girls called home. There was a fire inside of me that couldn't be touched. I knew that I had a choice to listen to logic and step away from the danger, or to "rush headlong into the most hazardous and impossible battles without pausing to consider the impossibilities." If I went with option A, I might have lived a happy and comfortable life; however, I knew that if I chose the latter it might change the world. The way David went to battle against Goliath with a sling shot and few stones... He wasn't afraid. He knew what was on the line. If he shrank back, he would live in captivity along with the rest of his people. If he went into battle without pausing to consider the impossibilities, the impossible might just happen. He killed Goliath with one stone. He obeyed.

I've been reading this book called The Circle Maker and it's about circling our prayers again and again until they come to pass. There's this one part that I can't get over. The author is talking about the type of faith Martha had when she was talking to Jesus about her brother Lazarus who had been dead for four days. She says, "If you would have been here, he wouldn't have died; but even now I know that God will give you whatever you ask." She wasn't afraid to be bold. The author points out two types of faith in her sentence. The first is the kind of faith where we know what God is capable of. She says, "He wouldn't have died if you would have been here..." She knows of Jesus' power, and she believes by faith that his presence would have healed Lazarus. The second form of faith comes with the second part of the sentence. The word "but" lets the reader know that there's a change in message... a second thought. She says, "but even now, I know that God will give you whatever you ask." He had been dead for four days, but Martha still believed that God could reverse the irreversible. She had the kind of faith that believed the past could be redeemed. She believed that it wasn't over simply because it looked that way... She believed God could bring the dead back to life, even when she felt like He was four days late.

Man, what does it take to have that kind of faith? I immediately think of the women and babies trapped in sex slavery around the globe, and I think about their hearts. I think about the lies they've been told. They believe they're worthless. They believe they're comparable to a dirty tissue, ready to be thrown out at any time. They don't know what it means to dream. They don't know there is life outside of selling their bodies. They don't know what it means to be loved by a man. They've been terribly deceived, and I have the truth! I have exactly what they need to know inside of me... I know that God is so good, and He is so big and has such extraordinary plans for each one of them. I believe that He can redeem their pasts. I believe He can undo the damage that has been done in their lives. I refuse to believe that this is the end of their stories. The best stories have a hero, the best stories are stories of redemption.

They bring me to life. They are the calling Jesus put on my life years and years ago.

I have to believe that there is something that makes you come alive. Maybe it's not prostitutes and women's ministry. Maybe it's not ministry at all. But I know there is something that pulls at your heart, something that lights a fire inside of you. If you don't know what it is, start praying circles around it. Be specific. God will reveal it to you, if you ask him. Learn to dream. Choose to rush headlong into the most hazardous and impossible circumstances without pausing to consider the impossibilities.

I promise, it's worth it.

You Know Me

This song shakes me. I've been listening to it on repeat for about 5 days, and I can't get past it. There's something about music... It tells a story but doesn't require a conclusion. It can be played again and again and still stir something inside of us. It invites us to join in on the story and make it our own. This song has become my story this week.

"Nothing is hidden from your sight. Wherever I go, you find me. You know every detail of my life. You are God and you don't miss a thing."

I think we've all experienced dry seasons of our lives. In those seasons, it's easy to feel unimportant. Maybe there has been distance in your relationship with your dad, or maybe you're taking 18 hours of school and working and you feel lonely because you're so busy. Or maybe the person you love the most walked out of your life without warning....

"You know when I rise, and when I fall. You know when I come or go. You see it all. You hung the stars, and you move the sea... and still You know me."

These words ignite my soul. It's as if Jesus is speaking them right to me. Those feelings of sorrow and seasons of drought are lies from hell. He remains the same and he says that he never leaves us nor forsakes us. Everything is laid bare before his eyes. He is so immense that he created the mountains and the sea, and so particular that he put the right number of muscles in the head of a caterpillar.

And still he knows you. He doesn't miss a thing.

Maybe you just walked across the stage at your graduation, or you just got home from a foreign country and you have one week before you leave again, and you're tired and you need to be refueled. Or maybe you just walked down the aisle to the love of your life and your mom wasn't there because she's in heaven with Jesus... Even when you feel like you're missing the most important person or people in your life, still God is there and he doesn't miss a single thing.

We have to choose to take God at his word. He says that he directs our steps. He hasn't forgotten you. He knows your pain. He knows that you feel lonely. He knows that you're scarred from that dysfunctional relationship. He knows that you feel unworthy. But He cares so much about you that He knows when you rise and when you fall. He pays attention to the details. He planned your steps long ago to do the things that he cut out for you to do, to go the places that he wants you to go... to reach the people he wants you to reach. You can't run from him. Wherever you go, he will find you because he desires you.... even in your ugliest state. He won't leave you that way. He took all those feelings of despair and hung on the cross so that you could walk in freedom. He is the greatest pursuer the world has ever known. He won't stop until he has your heart.

You are so very important.